02689
   1DISK$EARTH is 98% full...  please delete anyone you can.
   210.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
   3A CONS is an object which cares.  -- Bernie Greenberg
   4A bad random number generator:  1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
   5A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
   6A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
   7A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
   8A list is only as strong as its weakest link.  -- Don Knuth
   9APL is a write-only language.  -- Roy Keir
  10After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
  11An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
  12And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
  13Another megabytes the dust.
  14Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
  15Any nitwit can understand computers.  Many do.  -- Ted Nelson
  16Any program that runs right is obsolete.
  17Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
  18Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.  -- Kulawiec
  19As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.  -- Weisert
  20As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
  21Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
  22Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
  23Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.  -- Tom Lehrer
  24Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.  -- Leonard Brandwein
  25Brain fried -- core dumped.
  26Breakthrough:  It finally booted on the first try.
  27CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
  28Compatible:  Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
  29Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
  30Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
  31Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.  -- Pablo Picasso
  32Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
  33Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
  34Disk space -- the final frontier!
  35Disclaimer:  Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
  36Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
  37Don't let the computer bugs bite!
  38Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
  39Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
  40Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
  41Foolproof operation:  All parameters are hard coded.
  42Futuristic:  It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
  43God is real, unless declared integer.
  44God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
  45HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN.  DO YOU WANT TO WAIT?  (Y/N)
  46Hackers have kernel knowledge.
  47Hardware:  The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
  48Help!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
  49How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows.
  50How was Thomas J. Watson buried?  9 edge down.
  51I am a computer -- dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
  52I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
  53I bet the human brain is a kludge.  -- Marvin Minsky
  54I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
  55I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
  56I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
  57I smell a wumpus.
  58I'm the computer your mother warned you about.
  59If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
  60If a program is useful, it must be changed.
  61If a program is useless, it must be documented.
  62If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station?
  63If at first you do not succeed, you must be a programmer.
  64If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
  65In God we trust; all else we walk through.
  66It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
  67It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
  68Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
  69LISP:  To call a spade a thpade.
  70Last one out, turn off the computer!
  71Lisp Users:  Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday.
  72Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
  73MIPS:  Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
  74Machine-independent:  Does not run on any existing machine.
  75Manual Writer's Creed:  Garbage in, gospel out.
  76Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.  -- R. S. Barton
  77Meets quality standards:  It compiles without errors.
  78Never trust a computer you can't lift.  -- Stan Masor
  79Nice computers don't go down.
  80No line available at 300 baud.
  81No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
  82No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
  83Old mail has arrived.
  84Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
  85On a clear disk you can seek forever.  -- Denning
  86One if by LAN, two if by C.  -- Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski
  87One man's constant is another man's variable.  -- Perlis
  88One person's error is another person's data.
  89One picture is worth 128K words.
  90Overflow on NLA0:; please empty the bit bucket.
  91People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten.  -- Jon Bentley
  92Portable:  Survives system reboot.
  93Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
  94Programmers do it bit by bit.
  95Programming is an unnatural act.
  96Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
  97Protect your software at all costs -- all else is meat.
  98Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
  99Real programs don't eat cache.
 100Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
 101Revolutionary:  Disk drives go round and round.
 102Save energy:  Drive a smaller shell.
 103Shift to the left!  Shift to the right!  Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
 104Software is to computers as yeast is to dough.  -- Chuck Bradshaw
 105Supercomputer:  Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem.  -- Ken Batcher
 106Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
 107System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
 108System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
 109Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.  -- R. S. Barton
 110That does not compute.
 111The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
 112The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
 113The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
 114The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.
 115The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.
 116The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
 117The world is coming to an end...  SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
 118The world will end in 5 minutes.  Please log out.
 119There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
 120There has to be more to life than compile-and-go.
 121This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
 122This login session:  $13.76, but for you:  $11.88.
 123This screen intentionally left blank.
 124This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
 125Those who can't write, write help files.
 126Those who can, do.  Those who cannot, teach.  Those who cannot teach, HACK!
 127Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
 128To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
 129To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
 130To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.  -- Robert Heller
 131Unprecedented performance:  Nothing ever ran this slow before.
 132Variables won't; constants aren't.  -- Osborn
 133What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
 134Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?".
 135Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
 136You depend too much on computers for information.
 137You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago.  Tomorrow you'll need that version.
 138You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
 139You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
 140You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
 141You might have mail.
 142You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
 143Your fault -- core dumped.
 144Your password is pitifully obvious.
 145f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
 146%RMS-E-FNF, file not found
 147logout
 148"Breakfast sometime?"  "Sure."  "Shall I call you, or just nudge you?"
 149"Define UNIVERSE; give two examples." "The perceived world; 1) mine, 2) yours."
 150"Have you lived here all your life?"  "Oh, twice that long."
 151...all the modern inconveniences...  -- Mark Twain
 15228.35 grams of prevention are worth 0.45359 kilograms of cure.
 153355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number pi, but an incredible simulation.
 154A Renaissance man diffuses to refine himself.  -- Steve Hug
 155A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
 156A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.  -- Ed Nather
 157A backscratcher will always find new itches.  -- Gomme
 158A billion here, a billion there; soon you're talking real money. -- Sen. Dirksen
 159A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
 160A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
 161A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
 162A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
 163A cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.  -- Mark Twain
 164A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
 165A committee is an animal with at least six legs, and no brain.  -- Heinlein
 166A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 167A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
 168A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing." -- Ferguson
 169A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
 170A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
 171A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.  -- Alfred Kahn
 172A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.  -- Klipstein
 173A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.
 174A good scapegoat is hard to find.
 175A harp is a nude piano.
 176A helicopter is just a bunch of parts flying in close formation.
 177A homeowner's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a weekend for?
 178A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Mom.
 179A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
 180A king's castle is his home.
 181A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
 182A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.  -- Wright
 183A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
 184A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
 185A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
 186A motion to adjourn is always in order.
 187A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.  -- Wilcox
 188A penny saved has not been spent.
 189A penny saved is ridiculous.
 190A pessimist is a married optimist.
 191A poet who reads his verse in public might have other nasty habits.
 192A quarter ounce of chocolate equals four pounds of fat.
 193A rolling stone gathers momentum.
 194A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
 195A sentence is worth a thousand words.
 196A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.
 197A sinking ship gathers no moss.  -- Donald Kaul
 198A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
 199A soft drink turneth away company.
 200A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
 201A successful American spends more supporting the government than a family.
 202A theorist right once in ten is a hero; an observer wrong that often is a bum.
 203A theory is better than its explanation.  -- Woodward
 204A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
 205A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on.  -- Samuel Goldwyn
 206A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
 207A waist is a terrible thing to mind.  -- Ziggy
 208A watched clock never boils.  -- Tom Weller
 209A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
 210A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
 211Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
 212About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
 213About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
 214About when we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.  -- Hoover
 215Absence makes the heart go wander.
 216Absolutum obsoletum.  (If it works, it is out of date.)  -- Stafford Beer
 217Academy:  A modern school where football is taught.
 218Accident:  When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
 219According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
 220Acting:  An art that consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
 221Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
 222Admiration:  Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
 223Adult:  A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
 224Adult:  One old enough to know better.
 225Adultery:  Putting yourself in someone else's position.
 226Advanced design:  Upper management doesn't understand it.
 227Adventure is a sign of incompetence.  -- Amundsen
 228After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.  -- Olmstead
 229After painting the town red, take a rest before applying a second coat.
 230Afterism:  A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. - Thom
 231Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
 232Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
 233Air is water with holes in it.
 234Air travel:  Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
 235Alcoholic:  Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
 236Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, aleph-null bottles of beer...
 237Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
 238Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
 239All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.  -- Lauris
 240All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.  -- Brilliant
 241All generalizations are useless, including this one.
 242All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
 243All my life I wanted to be someone; I should have been more specific.  -- Wagner
 244All new:  Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
 245All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.  -- Groucho Marx
 246All probabilities are really 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it won't.
 247All signs in Metric for the next 20 miles.  -- a sign in Ohio
 248All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
 249All that glitters has a high refractive index.
 250All the good ones are taken.  -- Harris
 251All the men on my staff can type.  -- Bella Abzug
 252All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.  -- O'Casey
 253All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
 254All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
 255All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
 256Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
 257Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
 258Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
 259Always take both skis off before hanging them up.
 260Am I in charge here?...  No, but I'm full of ideas.  -- Dr. Who
 261Ambiguity:  Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
 262Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.  -- McCarthy
 263Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
 264Amoebit:  Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
 265Among economists, the real world is often a special case.  -- Horngren
 266An apple a day keeps the doctor away...  if it is aimed well.
 267An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.  -- Tom Weller
 268An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away.
 269An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
 270An example of hard water is ice.
 271An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
 272An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
 273An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
 274An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.  -- Van Roy
 275Antonym:  The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
 276Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.  -- Murray
 277Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
 278Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.  -- Malek
 279Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
 280Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.  -- Holmes
 281Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
 282Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.
 283Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.  -- Goldwyn
 284Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
 285Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.  -- Pardo
 286Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious.  -- James Hogan
 287Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
 288Aquadextrous:  Able to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
 289Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
 290Arithmetic:  Counting to twenty without taking off your shoes.  -- Mickey Mouse
 291Art is anything you can get away with.  -- Marshall McLuhan
 292As God is my witness, Andy, I thought that turkeys could fly.  -- WKRP
 293As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
 294Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and pay only station-to-station rates.
 295At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.  -- Peter Alaquon
 296Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by five.
 297Authority:  A person who can tell you more than you really care to know.
 298Automobile:  A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
 299Babies can't walk because their legs aren't long enough to reach the ground.
 300Bachelor:  A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
 301Bachelor:  A man who never made the same mistake once.
 302Bachelor:  A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.  -- Quinn
 303Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
 304Banectomy:  The removal of bruises on a banana.  -- Rich Hall
 305Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
 306Be careful of reading health books; you might die of a misprint.  -- Mark Twain
 307Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty.
 308Beam me up, Scotty.  There's no intelligent life down here.  -- James Kirk
 309Begathon:  A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money.  -- Hall
 310Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats.  -- O'Neill
 311Behold the warranty:  The bold print giveth, and the fine print taketh away.
 312Being a good communicator means people find out what's really wrong with you.
 313Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
 314Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you.
 315Best gift for the person who has everything:  A burglar alarm.
 316Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.  -- Mae West
 317Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
 318Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
 319Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.
 320Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
 321Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the Earth.
 322Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
 323Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
 324Bore:  A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
 325Bore:  He who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself.
 326Bore:  Wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.  -- Winchell
 327Brain:  The apparatus with which we think that we think.  -- Ambrose Bierce
 328Bride:  A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
 329Broad-mindedness:  The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
 330Budget:  A method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
 331Bureaucrat:  A person who cuts red tape sideways.  -- J. McCabe
 332Bureaucrat:  A politician with tenure.
 333Business will be either better or worse.  -- Calvin Coolidge
 334But officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
 335By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
 336California is proud to be the home of the freeway.  -- Ronald Reagan
 337Calling a person a runner-up is a polite way of saying they lost.
 338Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
 339Charity:  A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
 340Charm:  A way of getting a "yes" -- without having asked any clear question.
 341Chastity:  The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.  -- Aldous Huxley
 342Chemicals:  Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
 343Children act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
 344Cinemuck:  Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.
 345Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
 346College:  The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
 347Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
 348Commitment is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism.
 349Commitment:  Making time when there is none.
 350Common sense:  The collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.  -- Einstein
 351Concept:  Any "idea" for which an outside consultant bills more than $25,000.
 352Confidence:  The feeling you have before you understand the situation.
 353Confucius say too much.  -- recent Chinese proverb
 354Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.  -- H. L. Mencken
 355Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.  -- Mencken
 356Conscience:  The inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.  -- Mencken
 357Conscience:  The thing that hurts when everything else feels great.
 358Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.
 359Conservative:  A Liberal who has just been mugged.
 360Conservative:  A person who believes nothing should be done for the first time.
 361Conservative:  One who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
 362Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
 363Consultant:  Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
 364Consultation:  Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
 365Continental Life.  Why do you ask?
 366Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
 367Could you be a poster child for retroactive birth control?
 368Courage:  Two cannibals having oral sex.
 369Coward:  One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.  -- Bierce
 370Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
 371Crime does not pay...  as well as politics.  -- A. E. Newman
 372Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.  -- Steve Wright
 373Cynic:  A person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.  -- Shoaff
 374Cynic:  A person who tells you the truth about your own motives. -- Russel Green
 375Dare to be average.
 376Dark dirt is attracted to light objects, and dark dirt to light objects.
 377Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
 378Death has been proven to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats.
 379Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
 380Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.  -- R. Geis
 381Death is the greatest kick of all.  That's why they save it for last.
 382Death:  To stop sinning suddenly.  -- Elbert Hubbard
 383Deliberation:  Examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
 384Democracy:  The worship of Jackals by Jackasses.  -- H. L. Mencken
 385Dentists are incapable of asking questions that need a simple yes or no answer.
 386Design simplicity:  Developed on a shoe-string budget.
 387Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes them perspire.
 388Diplomacy:  The art of letting someone else have your way.
 389Diplomacy:  The art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
 390Diplomat:  A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
 391Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
 392Distinctive:  A different color or shape than our competitors.
 393Do YOU have redeeming social value?
 394Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
 395Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.  -- Finagle
 396Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
 397Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
 398Don't be fooled by his twinkling eyes; it's the sun shining between his ears.
 399Don't be humble...  you're not that great.  -- Golda Meir
 400Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.  -- Burke
 401Don't eat the yellow snow.
 402Don't force it, get a larger hammer.  -- Anthony
 403Don't get even -- get odd!
 404Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
 405Don't give someone a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.
 406Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.  -- Scottish Proverb
 407Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
 408Don't say yes until I finish talking.  -- Darryl Zanuck
 409Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.  -- Hubbard
 410Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree.  -- Russell Long
 411Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
 412Don't use no double negatives, not never.
 413Don't worry; the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
 414Don't you have anything more useful you could be doing?
 415Down with the categorical imperative!
 416Drive carefully.  We're overstocked.  -- Sign in junkyard
 417Driving in the snow is a spectator sport.
 418Drug:  A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
 419Drugs are the scenic route to nowhere.
 420Ducks?  What ducks??
 421Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
 422Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult.
 423Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
 424Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- Film at eleven.
 425Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.  -- Jeff Berner
 426Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.
 427Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow it might be illegal.
 428Education helps earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
 429Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak...
 430Egotism:  Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
 431Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
 432Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.  -- Groucho Marx's last words
 433Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.  -- Oscar Wilde's last words
 434Elbonics:  Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre.
 435Elections come and go, but politics are always with us.
 436Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
 437Eloquence is logic on fire.
 438Engineers...  they love to change things.  -- Leonard McCoy MD
 439Enjoy life; you could have been a barnacle.
 440Eschew obfuscation.
 441Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.  -- Woody Allen
 442Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
 443Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
 444Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
 445Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.  -- Atwood
 446Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.
 447Everyone needs belief in something.  I believe I'll have another beer.
 448Everything in moderation, including moderation.
 449Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
 450Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.  -- O'Brian
 451Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.  -- Simon
 452Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
 453Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
 454Excellent day to have a rotten day.
 455Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.  -- Miller
 456Exclusive:  We're the only ones who have the documentation.
 457Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.
 458Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing it.
 459Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. -- Horner
 460Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.  -- Olivier
 461Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
 462Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
 463Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail the same way.
 464Familiarity breeds attempt.
 465Familiarity breeds children.
 466Famous last words:  Don't worry, I can handle it.
 467Fanatic:  Someone who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts.
 468Fashion:  A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
 469Fast, Cheap, Good:  Choose any two.
 470Federal Reserve:  A reserve where federal employees hunt wild game.
 471Fenderberg:  Deposit that forms on the inside of a car fender after a snowstorm.
 472Fidelity:  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
 473Field tested:  Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
 474Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches.  -- Longworth
 475Fine day for friends.  So-so day for you.
 476Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.  -- Robert Firth
 477Flying is the second greatest experience known to man.  Landing is the first.
 478Foolproof operation:  No provision for adjustment.
 479Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
 480Football, like religion, brings out the best in people.  -- Larry Chapman
 481For a good time, call 555-3100.
 482For adult education, nothing beats children.
 483For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.  -- Anthony Battista
 484For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.  -- Harrison
 485For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.  -- Main
 486For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.
 487For some reason, this statement reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
 488For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
 489Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
 490Fortune favors the lucky.  -- Tom Weller
 491Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
 492Four kinds of homicide:  felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
 493Four wheel drive:  Lets you get more stuck, further from help.
 494Friends:  People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
 495Friends:  People who know you well, but like you anyway.
 496Furbling:  Walking a maze of ropes even when you are the only person in line.
 497Genderplex:  Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
 498Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.  -- Murray
 499Genetics:  Why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
 500Genius is the infinite capacity for picking brains.
 501Genius:  A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".
 502Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
 503Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
 504Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
 505Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.  -- St. Augustine
 506Give your very best today.  Heaven knows it is little enough.
 507Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy.
 508Gleemites:  Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
 509Go away.  I'm all right.   -- last words of H. G. Wells
 510Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
 511Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.  -- Mark Twain
 512God don't make mistakes.  That's how He got to be God.  -- Archie Bunker
 513God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
 514God is a polythiest.
 515God is not dead.  He is alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
 516God is not dead.  He is alive and working on a much less ambitious project.
 517God is not dead.  He just couldn't find a parking place.
 518God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
 519God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
 520God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
 521Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
 522Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
 523Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
 524Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.  -- George Saunders's last words
 525Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.  -- Wiker
 526Graft:  An illegal means of uniting trees to make money.
 527Grasshoppotamus:  A creature that can leap to tremendous heights...  once.
 528Gravity:  What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
 529Great minds run in great circles.
 530Group IQ:  Lowest IQ of any member divided by the number of people in the group.
 531Grub first, then ethics.  -- Bertolt Brecht
 532HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!  -- E. E. CUMMINGS
 533Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.
 534Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
 535Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was rather large.
 536Hangover:  The wrath of grapes.
 537Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.  -- Ogden Nash
 538Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
 539Have an adequate day.
 540Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
 541Having children will turn you into your parents.
 542He has the heart of a little child...  it's in a jar on his desk.
 543He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.
 544He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
 545He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
 546He who dies with the most toys, wins.
 547He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
 548He who hesitates is a damned fool.   -- Mae West
 549He who invents adages to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
 550He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
 551He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news.  -- Bertolt Brecht
 552He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
 553He who shouts the loudest has the floor.  -- Swipple
 554He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks.  -- Chinese proverb
 555He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
 556Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 557Heat expands:  In the summer the days are longer.
 558Heisenberg might have been here.
 559Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
 560History chronicles the small portion of the past that was suitable for print.
 561History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
 562Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
 563Honeymoon:  A short period of doting between dating and debting.  -- Ray Bandy
 564Honk if you love peace and quiet.
 565How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?  -- Charles de Gaulle
 566How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
 567How do you make an elephant float?  Two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
 568How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
 569How long should a man's legs be?  Long enough to reach the ground.  -- Lincoln
 570How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?  All you can afford.
 571How many weeks are there in a light year?
 572How much sin can you get away with and still go to heaven?
 573How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
 574How to regain your virginity:  Reverse the process until it returns.
 575How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
 576Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
 577Humor is the best antidote to reality.
 578I am a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
 579I am a Libra.  Libras don't believe in astrology.  -- Al Hibbs
 580I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
 581I am dying beyond my means.  -- Oscar Wilde's last words, sipping champagne
 582I am not a crook.  -- Richard Nixon
 583I am not a lovable man.  -- Richard Nixon.
 584I am not as dumb as you look.
 585I am not cynical, just experienced.
 586I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
 587I am really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, OK?
 588I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.  -- Will Rogers
 589I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
 590I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
 591I can relate to that.
 592I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.  -- the Wizard of Oz
 593I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
 594I do desire we may be better strangers.  -- Shakespeare
 595I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.  -- Brilliant
 596I doubt, therefore I might be.
 597I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.  -- Mae West
 598I hate quotations.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
 599I have already told you more than I know.
 600I have heard about people like me, but I never made the connection.  -- McLean
 601I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.  -- Albran
 602I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.  -- Wilde
 603I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.  -- John D. Rockefeller
 604I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.  -- Bill Hoest
 605I know on which side my bread is buttered.  -- John Heywood
 606I like work; it fascinates me.  I can sit and look at it for hours.
 607I love mankind...  It's people I hate.  -- Schulz
 608I love my job; it's the work I can't stand.
 609I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad.  -- Allen
 610I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.  -- Brilliant
 611I must follow the people.  Am I not their leader?  -- Benjamin Disraeli
 612I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.  -- Woolcott
 613I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.  -- Marx
 614I never made a mistake in my life.  I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
 615I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.  -- G. B. Shaw
 616I promise we would only loose ten to twenty million TOPS!  -- Dr. Strangelove
 617I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
 618I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.  -- Marilyn Chambers
 619I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
 620I shot an arrow into the air and it stuck.  -- graffito in Los Angeles
 621I spilled spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.  -- Steve Wright
 622I suggest a new strategy, Artoo:  Let the Wookee win.  -- C3PO
 623I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.  -- Nash
 624I think we are all Bozos on this bus.
 625I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.  -- Mae West
 626I used to be lost in the shuffle.  Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
 627I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure.
 628I want to achieve immortality through not dying.  -- Woody Allen
 629I will always love the false image I had of you.
 630I will never lie to you.
 631I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
 632I would have made a good pope.  -- Richard Nixon
 633I would like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?
 634I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.  -- Cerebus
 635I would never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. -- Marx
 636I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what he's working on now.
 637I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
 638I'll race you to China.  You can have a head start.  Ready, set, GO!
 639I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?  -- Harold Urey
 640I'm not afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it happens.  -- Allen
 641I'm not going deaf.  I'm ignoring you.
 642I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
 643I'm pretty good with BS but I love listening to an expert.  Keep talking.
 644I've been in more laps than a napkin.  -- Mae West
 645Ice cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.  -- Seleznick
 646Idiot box:  Part of an envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp.
 647If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
 648If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
 649If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all his windows. - Yiddish proverb
 650If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. -- Samuel Goldwyn
 651If I had any humility I would be perfect.  -- Ted Turner
 652If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.  -- Sheridan
 653If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
 654If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.  -- Silverman
 655If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
 656If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.  -- G. K. Chesterton
 657If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.  -- Paul Beatty
 658If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
 659If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. -- McGowan
 660If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
 661If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
 662If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
 663If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
 664If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.  -- Leonard Levinson
 665If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
 666If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
 667If in doubt, mumble.
 668If it is Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
 669If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
 670If it jams, force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
 671If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
 672If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
 673If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
 674If one hundred people do a foolish thing, one will become injured.
 675If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
 676If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
 677If parents would only realize how they bore their children.  -- G. B. Shaw
 678If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
 679If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
 680If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.  -- Ellis
 681If the ship is not sinking, the rats must be the ones not leaving.
 682If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
 683If the shoe fits, it's ugly.  -- Gold
 684If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?  -- Art Hoppe
 685If this saying did not exist, somebody would have invented it.
 686If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
 687If we all work together we can totally disrupt the system.  -- Brilliant
 688If we knew what the hell we were doing, then it wouldn't be research.
 689If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.  -- Zisla
 690If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.
 691If you are not very clever you should be conciliatory.  -- Benjamin Disraeli
 692If you are seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it.
 693If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.  -- J. Paul Getty
 694If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
 695If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
 696If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
 697If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
 698If you cannot convince them, confuse them.  -- Harry S Truman
 699If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.  -- Stoppard
 700If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.  -- Slous
 701If you do not change direction you are likely to end up where you are headed.
 702If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
 703If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.
 704If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
 705If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.  -- Coolidge
 706If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
 707If you have kleptomania, you can always take something for it.
 708If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
 709If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?  -- Hempstone
 710If you liked Earth, you will love Heaven.
 711If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. -- Graham Summer
 712If you look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel.  -- Fuch
 713If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.  -- Schmidt
 714If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
 715If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
 716If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
 717If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
 718If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?
 719If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.  -- Wright
 720If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.  -- Ronald Reagan
 721If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
 722Ignorance:  When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
 723Ignore previous fortune.
 724Imports are ports very far inland.
 725In America, it is not how much an item costs, it is how much you save.
 726In English, every word can be verbed.
 727In a ham and egg breakfast, the chicken was involved, but the pig was committed.
 728In a modern household, the only things we have to wash by hand are children.
 729In an orderly world, there is always a place for the disorderly.
 730In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
 731In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.  -- Butler
 732In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
 733In process:  So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
 734In the first half of our life we learn habits that shorten the second half.
 735In this world, truth can wait; she is used to it.
 736Ingrate:  Bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
 737Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids!
 738Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
 739Institute:  An archaic school where football is not taught.
 740Interchangeable parts won't.
 741Is it time for lunch yet?
 742Is there life before death?  -- Belfast Graffito
 743Is this really happening?
 744It ain't loafing unless they can prove it.  -- Dick Brown
 745It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
 746It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.  -- Linus.
 747It is bad luck to be superstitious.  -- Andrew Mathis
 748It is better to be on penicillin than never to have loved at all.
 749It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
 750It is better to burn out than to fade away.
 751It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
 752It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
 753It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
 754It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.  -- Tom Weller
 755It is better to wear out than to rust out.
 756It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
 757It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
 758It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.  -- Washlesky
 759It is later than you think.
 760It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
 761It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
 762It is not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
 763It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.  -- epitaph
 764It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
 765It seems to make an auto driver mad if she misses you.
 766It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain
 767It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
 768It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
 769It works better if you plug it in.
 770It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
 771It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca.
 772It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.  -- Wright
 773It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
 774It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
 775It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
 776It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!
 777It's here at last:  Released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
 778It's not easy being green.  -- Kermit
 779It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
 780It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
 781Jesus saves; Moses invests; but only Buddha pays dividends.
 782Journalism is literature in a hurry.  -- Matthew Arnold
 783Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at it.
 784Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
 785Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
 786Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
 787Justice:  A decision in your favor.
 788Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
 789Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
 790Keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.
 791Keep the pointy end forward and the dirty side down.
 792Klatu barada nikto.
 793Kleptomaniac:  A rich thief.
 794Knocked; you weren't in.  -- Opportunity
 795Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.
 796Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.  -- Henry Camp
 797Krogt:  The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
 798LSD soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess reality.
 799Lactomangulation:  Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton.
 800Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
 801Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
 802Lead me not into temptation.  I can find it myself.
 803Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
 804Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
 805Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
 806Liberal:  A Conservative who has just been arrested.
 807Liberal:  Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
 808Lie:  A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
 809Life -- love it or leave it.
 810Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.  -- Miss November, 1966
 811Life is a game of bridge -- and you have just been finessed.
 812Life is complex.  It has real and imaginary parts.
 813Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
 814Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
 815Life is like a fountain...  I will tell you how when I figure it out.
 816Life is like a sewer...  What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
 817Life is like an analogy.
 818Life is not for everyone.
 819Life is wasted on the living.
 820Life might have no meaning, or worse, it might have a meaning you don't like.
 821Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.  -- Sanka ad
 822Life:  A brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
 823Little things come in small packages.  -- Tom Weller
 824Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
 825Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
 826Logic is a means of CONFIDENTLY being wrong.
 827Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.  -- Kettering
 828Losing your driver's license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
 829Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
 830Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
 831Love is being stupid together.
 832Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
 833Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  -- H. L. Mencken
 834Love means nothing to a tennis player.
 835Love your enemies.  It will make them crazy.
 836Love:  The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
 837Machines have less problems.  I'd like to be a machine.  -- Andy Warhol
 838Magnocartic:  Any automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping carts.
 839Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
 840Majority:  That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
 841Make a firm decision now...  you can always change it later.
 842Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
 843Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.  -- Fred Allen
 844Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.  -- Mark Twain
 845Man who arrives at party two hours late finds he has been beaten to the punch.
 846Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
 847Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
 848Mankind has never reconciled itself to the ten commandments.
 849Many a family tree needs trimming.
 850Many are called, but few are at their desks.
 851Many are cold, but few are frozen.
 852Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
 853Marriage is a rest period between romances.
 854Marriage is a three ring circus:  engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
 855Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
 856Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?
 857Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
 858Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
 859Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.  -- Voltaire
 860Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
 861Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.  -- John Lyly
 862Mathematicians take it to the limit.
 863Matrimony is the root of all evil.
 864Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned without a receipt.
 865Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
 866Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.
 867May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
 868May you have many friends and very few living enemies.
 869Measure with a micrometer; mark with chalk; cut with an axe.  -- Ray
 870Meeting:  A gathering where the minutes are kept and the hours lost.  -- Gourd
 871Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
 872Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.  -- Groucho Marx
 873Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.  -- Groucho Marx
 874Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.  -- Oscar Wilde
 875Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
 876Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.  -- J. K. Galbraith
 877Modesty:  Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
 878Momentum:  What you give a person when they are going away.
 879Money can't buy happiness, but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
 880Money can't buy happiness, but it lets you be miserable in comfort.
 881Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
 882Monotony:  The practice of having only one spouse at a time.
 883Most general statements are false, including this one.  -- Alexander Dumas
 884Mountain range:  A cooking stove used at high altitudes.
 885Mummy:  An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
 886Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
 887My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.  -- Iphicrates
 888My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
 889My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
 890My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.  -- Wilde
 891Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
 892Narcolepulacy:  The contagious action of yawning.
 893Necessity is a mother.
 894Neckties strangle clear thinking.  -- Lin Yutang
 895Neutrinos have bad breadth.
 896Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
 897Never eat anything bigger than your head.  -- Kliban
 898Never give an inch!
 899Never have any children, only grandchildren.  -- Gore Vidal
 900Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. -- Billy Rose
 901Never laugh at live dragons.  -- Bilbo Baggins
 902Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
 903Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.  -- Hartley
 904Never verb your nouns.
 905New:  Different color from previous model.
 906Nice guys don't finish nice.
 907No guts, no glory.
 908No maintenance:  Impossible to fix.
 909No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
 910No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.  -- Howe
 911No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it would.
 912No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it.
 913No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
 914No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
 915Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
 916Nobody ever has a reservation on a plane that leaves from Gate 1.
 917Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
 918Nobody knows the trouble I have been.
 919Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
 920Nonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it.  -- Heisenberg
 921Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
 922Not all men who drink are poets.  Some of us drink because we are not poets.
 923Nothing can be done in one trip.  -- Snider
 924Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
 925Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
 926Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
 927Nothing recedes like success.  -- Walter Winchell
 928Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.  -- Mark Twain
 929Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.  -- Kim Hubbard
 930Now and then an innocent person is sent to the Legislature.
 931Now it's time to say goodbye, to all our company...  M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E.
 932Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
 933Nugloo:  Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead.
 934Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.  -- Plato
 935Often it is fatal to live too long.  -- Racine
 936Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to conceive.  -- Herold
 937Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
 938Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
 939Omniscience:  Talking only about things you know about.
 940On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.  -- W. C. Fields's epitaph
 941Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
 942Once is happenstance.  Twice is coincidence.  Thrice is enemy action.
 943Once upon a time, charity was a virtue and not an organization.
 944One Bell System -- it sometimes works.
 945One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
 946One size fits all:  Doesn't fit anyone.
 947One thing leads to another, and usually does.
 948One word of advice:  Don't give it.
 949Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
 950Only fools are quoted.  -- Anonymous
 951Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.  -- Ducharme
 952Our parents were never our age.
 953Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.  -- Roy Ash
 954Our problems are mostly behind us.  Now we have to fight the solutions.
 955Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
 956Oversteer is when the passenger is scared; understeer when the driver is scared.
 957Packrat's credo:  "I have no use for it, but I hate to see it go to waste."
 958Paper is always strongest at the perforations.  -- Corry
 959Paradise is exactly like where you are, only MUCH, MUCH better.  -- Anderson
 960Paradox:  An assistant to PhDs.
 961Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
 962Paranoia:  A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.
 963People have one thing in common:  They are all different.
 964People sweat is they won't catch fire while making love.
 965People who take cat naps usually don't sleep in a cat's cradle.
 966People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
 967People will buy anything that is one to a customer.  -- Lewis
 968Perfect guest:  One who makes his host feel at home.
 969Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
 970Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
 971Phasers locked on target, Captain.
 972Philosophy:  Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
 973Pity the poor egg; it only gets laid once.
 974Politics consists of deals and ideals.
 975Politics:  The art of turning influence into affluence.
 976Positive:  Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
 977Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.  -- Ryan
 978Power means not having to respond.
 979Predestination was doomed from the start.
 980Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:  It's on the other side.
 981Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
 982Proctologist:  A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
 983Professor:  One who talks in someone else's sleep.
 984Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
 985Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.  -- Nash
 986Proofreading is more effective after publication.  -- Barker
 987Proximity isn't everything, but it comes close.
 988Puritan:  Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
 989Quack!
 990Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it is the only one we have.
 991Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!
 992Question Authority...  and the Authorities will question you!
 993Quinine is the bark of a tree; canine is the bark of a dog.
 994Quit working and play for once!
 995Quoting one is plagiarism.  Quoting many is research.
 996Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
 997Reality -- what a concept!  -- Robin Williams
 998Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.  -- Lily Tomlin
 999Refrain means don't do it.  A refrain in music is the part you better not sing.
1000Refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
1001Reputation:  What others are not thinking about you.
1002Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.  -- von Braun
1003Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  -- Wright
1004Rugged:  Too heavy to lift.
1005Rumper sticker on a horse:  "Get off my tail, because shit happens."
1006Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.  -- Swayze
1007Sacred cows make great hamburger.
1008Sailing:  A form of mast transit.
1009Science is material.  Religion is immaterial.
1010Scotty, beam me up a double!
1011Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
1012Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.  -- James Thurber
1013Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.  -- Alfred Whitehead
1014Serendipity:  The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
1015Sex is dirty only when it's done right.   -- Woody Allen
1016Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
1017She walks as if balancing the family tree on her nose.
1018Showing up is 80% of life.  -- Woody Allen
1019Sign on bank:  "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT."
1020Smile!  You're on Candid Camera.
1021Snow and adolescence are problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
1022Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
1023Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
1024Some men are discovered; others are found out.
1025Some people are afraid of heights.  I am afraid of widths.
1026Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
1027Some people who can, should not.
1028Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
1029Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
1030Someday you'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
1031Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
1032Spinster:  A bachelor's wife.
1033Spirobits:  The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
1034Spock:  We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
1035Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
1036Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
1037Stock item:  We shipped it once before and we can do it again.
1038Stop committing useless mistakes.  Make your next mistake count!
1039Strategy is when you keep firing so the enemy doesn't know you're out of ammo.
1040Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
1041Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without being discouraged.
1042Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.  -- Donald Kaul
1043Sweater:  A garment worn by a child when his parent feels chilly.
1044System-independent:  Works equally poorly on all systems.
1045Tact:  The unsaid part of what you are thinking.
1046Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
1047Technique:  A trick that works.
1048Teenagers are two year olds with hormones and wheels.  -- Will Limon
1049Telepathy:  Knowing what people think when really they don't think at all.
1050Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
1051That must be wonderful; I don't understand it at all.  -- Moliere
1052That that is is that that is not is not.
1053The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
1054The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
1055The Society of Independent People has no members.
1056The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
1057The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.  -- Clifton Fadiman
1058The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.  -- Blair
1059The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
1060The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
1061The chief cause of problems is solutions.
1062The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
1063The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
1064The cow is a machine that makes grass fit for us people to eat.  -- John McNulty
1065The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other, milk.  -- Ogden Nash
1066The death rate on Earth is:  One per person.
1067The decision does not have to be logical; it was unanimous.
1068The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
1069The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
1070The early worm gets the late bird.
1071The fact that it works is immaterial.  -- Ogborn
1072The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
1073The fewer the data points, the smoother the curve.  -- May
1074The first myth of management is that it exists.  -- Heller
1075The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.
1076The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.  -- Ehrlich
1077The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
1078The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.  -- Shakespeare
1079The following statement is not true...
1080The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
1081The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors.
1082The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
1083The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
1084The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.  -- Einstein
1085The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
1086The law of gravity was enacted by the British Parliament.
1087The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
1088The meek shall inherit the Earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
1089The meek shall inherit the Earth after we are done with it.
1090The more things change, the more they stay insane.  -- Tom Weller
1091The more things change, the more they will never be the same again.
1092The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
1093The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
1094The moving finger having writ...  gestures.
1095The next thing I say will be true.  The last thing I said was false.
1096The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
1097The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
1098The number you have dialed is imaginary.  Please multiply by i and dial again.
1099The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
1100The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  -- Oscar Wilde
1101The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.  -- Oscar Wilde
1102The optimum committee has no members.  -- Norman Augustine
1103The other line always moves faster.
1104The past is another country; they do things differently there.
1105The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.  -- Finagle
1106The plural of "musical instrument" is "orchestra".
1107The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
1108The race is not always to the swift...  but that's the way to bet.  -- Runyon
1109The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
1110The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.
1111The second best policy is dishonesty.
1112The secret of life is to look good at a distance.  -- Snoopy
1113The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you have it made.
1114The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.  -- Diana Rigg
1115The shortest distance between two points is under construction.  -- Altito
1116The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
1117The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.  -- Ogden
1118The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple something.
1119The supernova makes Mt. St. Helens and Krakatoa look puny.  -- Time Magazine
1120The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think.
1121The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
1122The total intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
1123The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
1124The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
1125The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.  -- Gomme
1126The wind blows harder in the summer so the sun sets later.
1127The word today is legs...  Spread the word.
1128The world is run by C students.
1129The world isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
1130The worst you can say about God is that he's an underachiever.  -- Woody Allen
1131The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z.
1132Theft from a single author is plagiarism.  Theft from three or more is research.
1133There are many excuses for being late, but there are none for being early.
1134There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
1135There are more things in heaven and earth than anyplace else.  -- Tom Weller
1136There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.  -- Kissinger
1137There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
1138There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.  -- Spock
1139There is a vas deferens between men and women.
1140There is always more hell that needs raising.  -- Lauren Leveut
1141There is an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
1142There is at least one fool in every married couple.
1143There is exactly one true categorical statement.  -- John Kessenich
1144There is intelligent life on Earth, but I am just visiting.
1145There is no future in time travel.
1146There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.  -- Shick
1147There is no room in the drug world for amateurs.  -- Raoul Duke
1148There is no time like the pleasant.
1149There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
1150There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
1151There is only one difference between a madman and me.  I am not mad.  -- Dali
1152There is so much to say, but your eyes keep interrupting me.
1153There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
1154There must be more to life than having everything.
1155There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life.
1156They also surf who only stand on waves.
1157They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...  -- General Sedgwick's last words
1158They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
1159Things are more like they are today then they ever were before.  -- Eisenhower
1160Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
1161Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
1162Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.  -- Will Rogers
1163Think honk if you are telepathic.
1164This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
1165This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
1166This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
1167This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
1168This is a good time to punt work.
1169This is a recording.
1170This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.  -- Winston Churchill
1171This may not be the best of all worlds, but it is certainly the most expensive.
1172This saying would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
1173This sentence no verb.
1174This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer.
1175This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
1176Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
1177Those who like sausages and the law had better not watch either one being made.
1178Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.  -- Ben Franklin
1179Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
1180Time flies when you don't know what you are doing.
1181Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
1182Time is an illusion; lunchtime doubly so.  -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
1183Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
1184Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in LA.  -- Wright
1185To YOU I am an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.  -- Woody Allen
1186To be safe, make a copy of everything before you destroy it.
1187To err is human.  To admit it is a blunder.
1188To err is human.  To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.
1189To err is human.  To forgive is unusual.
1190To keep milk from turning sour, you should keep it in the cow.
1191To make a small fortune in the commodities market, start with a large fortune.
1192To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
1193To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question...  or is it?
1194Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
1195Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
1196Today is the last day of the past of your life.
1197Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
1198Toe:  A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.  -- Rilla May
1199Tomorrow looks like a good day to sleep in.
1200Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
1201Too much is not enough.
1202Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.  -- Mae West
1203Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.  -- Judy Garland
1204Tragedy:  A busload of lawyers driving off a cliff with three empty seats.
1205Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.  -- Han Solo
1206Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
1207Truthful:  Dumb and illiterate.
1208Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
1209Try to live forever or die in the attempt.
1210Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
1211Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long.  -- Howard Kandel
1212Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
1213Two heads are more numerous than one.  -- Tom Weller
1214Two is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.  -- Grabel
1215Two wrongs are only the beginning.  -- Kohn
1216Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed.
1217Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it is just the opposite.
1218Under every stone lurks a politician.  -- Aristophanes
1219Unmatched:  Almost as good as the competition.
1220Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
1221Volcano:  A mountain with hiccups.
1222Vote anarchist.
1223Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
1224We are all politicians.  Some of us are just honest enough to admit it.
1225We are all self-made, but only the rich will admit it.
1226We are living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.  -- Robertson
1227We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.  -- John Fisher
1228We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.  -- Swift
1229We are sorry.  We cannot complete your call as dialed.
1230We are the people our parents warned us about.  -- Jimmy Buffet
1231We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt.  -- Sign in bank
1232We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.  -- Richard Nixon
1233We don't have to protect the environment.  The Second Coming is at hand. -- Watt
1234We have them just where they want us.  -- James Kirk
1235We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
1236We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
1237We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
1238We will get along fine as soon as you realize I am God.
1239We will have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
1240Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.  -- John Heywood
1241Well adjusted:  Makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
1242Well-adjusted:  Able to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
1243What can't be said, can't be said.  And it can't be whistled, either.  -- Tirtha
1244What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?  A good start.
1245What do you call a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?  Not enough sand.
1246What happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes.
1247What is mind?  No matter.  What is matter?  Never mind.  -- Thomas Key
1248What is orange and goes "click, click"?  A ball point carrot.
1249What is research but a blind date with knowledge?  -- Will Harvey
1250What is the difference between a duck?  One of its legs is both the same.
1251What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking someone to do.
1252What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
1253What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?  -- Ursula LeGuin
1254What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?  -- J. D. Farley
1255What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs.
1256What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?  -- Peter Beagle
1257What!  Me worry?  -- Alfred E. Neuman
1258What, after all, is a halo?  It's only one more thing to keep clean.  -- Fry
1259Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
1260When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.  -- Charles Smith
1261When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained a virgin.  -- L. Carter
1262When I'm good, I'm very good.  But when I'm bad, I'm better.  -- Mae West
1263When Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.  -- Tom Lehrer
1264When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.  -- Mark Twain
1265When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
1266When in charge, ponder.  When in doubt, mumble.  When in trouble, delegate.
1267When in doubt, lead trump.
1268When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
1269When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
1270When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
1271When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.  -- Dylan Thomas
1272When someone says, "It ain't the money, but the principle," it's the money.
1273When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.  -- Lynch
1274When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.  -- Hunter Thompson
1275When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
1276When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
1277When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
1278When you breathe you inspire.  When you do not breathe you expire.
1279When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
1280When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
1281When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.  -- LBJ
1282When you've seen one non-sequitar, the price of tea in China.
1283When your memory goes, forget it!
1284Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
1285Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". -- Parnas
1286Where is Denver?  Denver is just below the O in Colorado.
1287Where there's a whip there's a way.
1288Where there's a will, there's a relative.
1289Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.
1290Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  Neither, it was the rooster.
1291Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
1292While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
1293White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
1294Who cares about procreation, as long as it tickles?
1295Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?  -- Hattie McDaniel
1296Who was that masked man?
1297Who's on first?
1298Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
1299Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
1300Why did the chicken cross the road?  He was giving it last rites.
1301Why doesn't life come with subtitles?
1302Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
1303Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than horses?  -- Liddy
1304Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?  -- Lily Tomlin
1305Why would anyone want to be called Later?
1306Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
1307With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
1308Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
1309Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
1310Work is the curse of the drinking class.
1311Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
1312Yawning is an orgasm for your face.  -- Gunvar Ingeborg
1313Years of development:  We finally got one to work.
1314Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
1315Yield to temptation; it might not pass your way again.
1316Yo-yo:  Something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer").
1317You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
1318You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
1319You are not paranoid if they're really after you...
1320You are ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
1321You are warm and giving toward others.  What are you after?
1322You aren't a real engineer until you make one $50,000 mistake.
1323You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
1324You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.
1325You can observe a lot just by watchin'.  -- Yogi Berra
1326You can rent this profound space for only $5 a week.
1327You can't have Kate and Edith too!
1328You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
1329You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
1330You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
1331You could be playing a video game instead.
1332You fill a much-needed gap.
1333You have a right to your opinions.  I just don't want to hear them.
1334You have been selected for a secret mission.
1335You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You will learn a lot today.
1336You know you have landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
1337You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.  -- Whistler
1338You now have Asian Flu.
1339You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
1340You will be surprised by a loud noise.
1341You will feel hungry again in another hour.
1342You will live a long full life and gradually decay into a useless blob.
1343You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
1344You will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
1345You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard.
1346You will soon forget this.
1347You will step on the night soil of many countries.
1348You won't skid if you stay in a rut.  -- Frank Hubbard
1349You would if you could but you can't so you won't (and probably shouldn't).
1350You'll find it all at Greeley Mall.  -- Radio advertisement
1351Your chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...  uh...
1352Your check is in the mail.
1353Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
1354Your love life will be...  interesting.
1355Your lucky number has been disconnected.
1356Your lucky number is 364958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
1357Your reasoning is silly and irrational but it is beginning to make sense.
1358Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
1359Youth is too good to be wasted on the young.  -- G. B. Shaw
1360[He] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.  -- Churchill
1361[Nuclear war]...  may not be desirable.  -- Edwin Meese III
1362f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
1363%SYSTEM-E-INCOMP, incompetant user error
1364I respect your right to be wrong.
1365I never let my schooling interfere with my education.  -- Mark Twain
1366Programming Nightmares: "IDENTIFICATION DIVISION."
1367The best way to accellerate a Macintosh is at 9.8m/s²
1368"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. -- George Ade
1369... and living was just a way of passing time until he died. -- Hamish Sankov
1370XAV eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH
137190 percent of everything is crud. -- Theodore Sturgeon
1372Captain BlackAdder: I think the phrase rhymes with "Clucking Bell"
1373A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
1374A bird in the hand is dead. -- Rhonda Boozer
1375A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.
1376A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from hate.
1377A camel looks like a horse that was planned by a committee. -- Vogue Magazine
1378A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often.
1379A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms.
1380A clown is a clown and will always be a clown. -- Babbaluche the cobbler
1381A college education shows a man how little other people know. -- Haliburton
1382A column about errors will contain errors. -- Bill Gold
1383A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
1384A company is known by the people it keeps.
1385A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
1386A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
1387A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
1388A deaf ear is the first symptom of a closed mind.
1389A diplomat's life is made up of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
1390A disagreeable task is its own reward.
1391A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
1392A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
1393A friend to everybody is a friend to nobody.
1394A good imitation is the most perfect originality. -- Voltaire
1395A great fortune is a great slavery. -- Seneca
1396A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.
1397A king's castle is his home.
1398A lie in time saves nine.
1399A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. -- Charles Suhor
1400A little humility is arrogance. -- Bill Gray
1401A little ignorance can go a long way. -- Solomon Short
1402A little learning is a dangerous thing! -- Alexander Pope
1403A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
1404A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. -- Butler
1405A man devoid of religion, is like a horse without a bridle.
1406A man should be greater than some of his parts.
1407A man who cries is capable of any evil.
1408A man who studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green. -- Francis Bacon
1409A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
1410A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
1411A man's errors are what makes him amiable. -- Goethe
1412A man's legs must be long enough to reach the ground. -- Abraham Lincoln
1413A meeting lasts at least 1 1/2 hours however short the agenda. -- Denys Parsons
1414A motion to adjourn is always in order.
1415A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners.
1416A nickname is the heaviest stone the devil can throw at a man.
1417A parade should have bands or horse, but not both. -- Nancy M. Wells
1418A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
1419A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
1420A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell. -- George Bernard Shaw
1421A person over age 65 who drinks says that his doctor recommends it. -- Bob Smith
1422A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
1423A picture is a poem without words. -- Horace
1424A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
1425A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
1426A present, over which you will shed tears of joy.
1427A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
1428A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses. -- Merle P. Martin
1429A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the telescope to look through.
1430A record of data is useful--it indicates that you've been working.
1431A reform is a correction of abuses; a revolution is a transfer of power.
1432A reformer is a guy who rides through a sewer in a glass bottomed boat.
1433A reformer wants his conscience to be your guide.
1434A rose by any other name would still be a flower.
1435A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
1436A smoker is always attracted to the non-smoking section. -- Raj K. Dhawan
1437A soft answer turneth away wrath.
1438A strong memory is generally coupled with infirm judgment. -- Montaigne
1439A successful symposium depends on the ratio of meeting to eating.
1440A theory is better than its explanation.-- H. P. Woodward
1441A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
1442A true friend will see you through when others see that you are through.
1443A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
1444A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on. -- Sam Goldwyn
1445A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
1446A wedding ring is like a tourniquet, it cuts off your circulation.
1447A well-bred dog generally bows to strangers.
1448A winner goes through a problem; A loser goes around, but never past, it.
1449A winner makes commitments; a loser makes promises.
1450A winner says "Lets find out."; a loser says, "Nobody knows."
1451ADVANCED DESIGN: copy writer doesn't understand it
1452ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with previous design
1453ARTIFACT: Something only an art major would know.
1454ARTIFACT: The only true fact in an experiment.
1455Abstaining is favorable both to the head and to the pocket. -- Horace Greeley
1456Abuse is the weapon of the vulgar. -- Samuel Griswold Goodrich
1457According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.
1458Administration maintains the status quo. -- Thomas L. Martin
1459Advice from an old carpenter: Measure twice and saw once.
1460After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
1461Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
1462All American cars are basically Chevrolets. -- Herb Caen
1463All cats are NOT gray after midnight. Endless variety ...
1464All general statements are false. -- R. H. Grenier
1465All men are born naked. -- Carlos Eduardo Novaes
1466All men are created unequal.
1467All men can be lead to believe the lie they want to believe. -- Italo Bombolini
1468All men have the right to wait in line. -- Carlos Eduardo Novaes
1469All the troubles of man come from his not knowing how to sit still. -- Pascal
1470All things being equal, all things are never equal. -- Marshall L. Smith
1471All you need to grow fine vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.
1472Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. -- Agnes Allen
1473Always run a yellow light.
1474Always sort the small file first. -- Dick Munroe
1475Always stay in with the outs. -- David Halberstan
1476Always store beer in a dark place.
1477Always tell him he is handsome, especially if he is not.
1478Among the damned, you are the chosen one.
1479Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
1480An elephant: a mouse built to government specifications.
1481An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER proves it. -- Edmund C. Berkeley
1482An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
1483An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
1484An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
1485An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. -- David Gerrold
1486An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
1487An obstinate man does not hold opinions, but they hold him. -- Alexander Pope
1488An order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood.
1489An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
1490An ugly carpet will last forever. -- Erma Bombeck
1491Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it. Get a larger hammer.
1492Anticipated events never live up to expectations. -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
1493Ants would starve in your house if ants would come into it.
1494Any given program costs more and takes longer.
1495Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
1496Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
1497Any man can prove he has good judgement by saying you have.
1498Any man who hates dogs and loves whiskey can't be all bad. -- W. C. Fields
1499Any mind that is capable of a real sorrow is capable of good.
1500Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris
1501Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
1502Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. -- Tom Gibb
1503Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. -- George Ade
1504Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.
1505Anyone who does not look out for number one first, last, and always is a sucker.
1506Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
1507Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
1508Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. -- Robert A. Jackson
1509Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. -- Bill Gray
1510Anything scarce is valuable; praise for example!
1511Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
1512Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. You can do better the next time.
1513Architecture: Whatever we choose to implement. -- FMS Project Leader
1514Are you a man or a mouse? Come on, squeak up!
1515Art is I; science is we. -- Claude Bernard
1516As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every minute of time. -- Mason
1517As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. -- Art Buchwald
1518As you are, so shall you wish. As you wish, so shall it be.
1519Astrology Law: It's always the wrong time of the month. -- Rozanne Weissman
1520At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. -- Barry Bruce-Briggs
1521Atheism is rather in the life than in the heart of man. -- Bacon
1522Avoid running at all times. -- Satchel Paige
1523Avoid strong drink. It makes you shoot at IRS agents--and miss. -- Lazarus Long
1524BREAKTHROUGH: we finally figured out a way to sell it
1525Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. -- Dalin B. Oaks
1526Bad news drives good news out of the media. -- Lee Loevinger
1527Bad news travels fast.
1528Barr's Hypothesis: Familiarity breeds content.
1529Be a defensive driver. Buy a Tiger M31.
1530Be alert! The world needs more lerts.
1531Be calm in arguing, for fierceness makes error a fault, and truth discourtesy.
1532Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
1533Be sober and temperate, and you will be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin
1534Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
1535Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
1536Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
1537Beauty without virtue is like a flower without perfume.
1538Beauty's tears are lovelier than her smile. -- Campbell
1539Beck's Postulate: Murphy was an optimist.
1540Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
1541Behold how great a matter a little fire kindleth. -- James III, 5
1542Best men are often moulded out of faults. -- Shakespeare
1543Better be alone than in bad company.
1544Better to die a thousand deaths than wound my honor. -- Addison
1545Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
1546Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- Mae West
1547Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. -- Henry David Thoreau
1548Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
1549Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
1550Beware the fury of a patient man. -- Dryden
1551Big people are those who make us feel bigger when we are with them.
1552Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
1553Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. -- Franklin P. Jones
1554Brevity and superficiality are often concomitants. -- Amrom Katz
1555By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
1556By following the good, you learn to be good.
1557By gnawing through a dyke even a rat may drown a nation. -- Edward Burke
1558By the time a person gets to greener pastures, he can't climb the fence.
1559By work you get money, by talk you get knowledge. -- Jaliburton
1560Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in fall.
1561Capital Punishment: The income tax.
1562Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: welfare or warfare. -- Bill Gray
1563Celibacy is not hereditary. -- Guy Godin
1564Certain things shouldn't be moved. -- Murray Teigh Bloom
1565Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
1566Cheop's law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
1567Chicago Tribune headline: THE FAME OF PLAINS IS MAINLY ON THE WANE.
1568Circular Definition: see Circular Definition.
1569Classified material is considered lost when it cannot be found.
1570Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
1571Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
1572Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery.
1573Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
1574Committee--a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. -- Milton Berle
1575Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. -- Tom Gibb
1576Consider the Malevolent Universe Theory: it really IS out to get you!
1577Courage is grace under pressure. -- Ernest Hemingway
1578Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village. -- Leonard Louis Levinson
1579Cows may come and cows may go, but the bull in this place goes on FOREVER!!!
1580Croll's Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
1581Curley's Law: As long as they spell the name right.
1582Custom is the law of fools. -- Vanburgh
1583Cut 'em off at the past!
1584Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth. -- Lillian Hellman
1585DESIGN SIMPLICITY: costs (manufacturer's) cut to the bone
1586DIPLOMACY: Lying in state. -- Ambrose Bierce
1587DIPLOMACY: Patriotic art of lying for one's country.
1588DIPLOMACY: The art of fishing tranquilly in troubled waters.
1589DIPLOMACY: The art of jumping into troubled waters without making a splash.
1590DIRECT SALES ONLY: manufacturer had argument with distributor
1591DISTINCTIVE: a different color or shape than our competitors
1592Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
1593Did the Devil really create the world when God wasn't looking?
1594Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock.
1595Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
1596Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
1597Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses.
1598Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. -- Lazarus Long
1599Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
1600Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
1601Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. -- Gary Novak
1602Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
1603Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut. -- Daniel S. Greenberg
1604Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
1605Don't bite the hand that has your allowance in it. -- Lisa Tidler
1606Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. -- Satchel Paige
1607Don't put all your eggs in your pocket. -- Celestine Clark
1608Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
1609Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
1610Drink Waikato Dry! You might not be able to, but it IS fun trying.
1611Due to lack of interest, tomorrow will be canceled.
1612During an exam, the pocket calculator battery will fail.
1613Dust breeds.
1614ENERGY SAVING: achieved when the power switch is "off"
1615EXCLUSIVE: Imported product
1616Each person has the right to take the subway. -- Carlos Eduardo Novaes
1617Eat flaming death, minicomputer mongrels!!!
1618Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. -- Frank Leahy
1619Eisenhower told me never to trust a Communist. -- Lyndon B. Johnson
1620Electrician's breakfast--ohmlettes -- Raymond D. Love
1621Enjoy your life. If you don't, no one else will.
1622Enough research will tend to confirm your conclusions.
1623Enthusiasm without knowledge is like running in the dark.
1624Entropy has us outnumbered. -- Solomon Short
1625Eternal boredom is the price of constant vigilance. -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
1626Ettorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.
1627Even God cannot change the past.
1628Even if it can't, it might. -- A. J. Barton
1629Even paranoids have enemies. -- Jim Pastore
1630Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
1631Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named William. -- Sam Goldwyn
1632Every child born in America can hope to grow up to enjoy tax loopholes.
1633Every man has a foolproof scheme that will not work.
1634Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
1635Every man is a volume if you know how to read him. -- Channing
1636Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead.
1637Every problem contains within itself the seeds of its own solution.
1638Everybody has 20/20 hindsight.
1639Everybody lies about sex.
1640Everybody's gotta be someplace. -- Myron Cohen
1641Everything is for sale; only the price is negotiable.
1642Everything needs a little oil now and then.
1643Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. -- Paul Simon
1644Everything should be as simple as possible, but no simpler. -- Albert Einstein
1645Everything takes longer than you expect.
1646Everything takes more time and money. -- Anne DeCaprio
1647Everything tastes more or less like chicken. -- Jeffery F. Chamberlain
1648Examine the contents, not the bottle. -- The Talmud
1649Exams will always contain questions not discussed in class. -- M. M. Johnston
1650Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
1651Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
1652Experience is the comb that Nature gives us when we are bald.
1653Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson.
1654Experiments must be reproducible--they should always fail in the same way.
1655FAITH: An illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. -- H. L. Mencken
1656FIELD TEST: Putting your software out to pasture.
1657FIELD TESTED: manufacturer lacks test equipment
1658FOOLPROOF OPERATION: no provision for adjustment
1659FUTURISTIC: can't figure out another reason why it looks as it does
1660Facts and truth are often cousins--not brothers. -- Edward Bunker
1661Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
1662Fail me again and you'll breakfast on burning coals!
1663Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
1664Fancy gizmos don't work. -- Jane Bryant Quinn
1665Fast personal decisions are likely to be wrong.
1666Fear is the tax that the conscience pays to guilt. -- Sewell
1667Fellows who have no tongues are often all eyes and ears. -- Haliburton
1668Finagle's Creed: Science is truth: Don't be misled by facts.
1669Fine's Corollary: Functionality breeds Contempt.
1670First Law of Bridge: It's always the partner's fault.
1671First Law of Office Holders: Get reelected.
1672First draw your curves--then plot your data.
1673Fools are certain, but wise men hesitate.
1674For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. -- Richard Clopton
1675For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. 
1676To be forewarned is to be half an octopus.
1677Forget your opponents. Always play against par. -- Sam Snead
1678Freedom is not enough. -- Lyndon B. Johnson
1679Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better. -- Albert Camus
1680Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate. -- Dr. Thomas Jones
1681From the errors of others a wise man corrects his own. -- Publilius Syrus
1682GIGO: Garbage in, Gospel out.
1683GOD: The contrapuntal genius of human fate.
1684GOD: but a word invoked to explain the world.
1685Genius does what it must, talent does what it can.
1686Get Ahead!!! You could use one.
1687Get thee behind me, Satan, and push me along!
1688Give them a number or give them a date, but never both. -- Edgar R. Fiedler
1689God and the devil are an effort after specialization and division of labour.
1690God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.
1691God helps those who have 7 percent mortgages. -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
1692God is not a cosmic bellboy!
1693God will forgive me; that's His business.
1694Good intentions always randomize behavior. -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
1695Government expands to absorb revenue--and then some. -- Tom Wicker
1696Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
1697HAND CRAFTED: machine that assembles it is operated without gloves
1698HIGH ACCURACY: unit in which all parts fit
1699Habit is the easiest way to be wrong again.
1700Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. -- Solomon Short
1701Have the courage to live. Anyone can die. -- Robert Cody
1702He had had had where he should have had had had.
1703He is a legend in his own mind. -- Ron Randall
1704He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
1705He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone. -- Jesus Christ
1706He that lives upon Hope dies farting. -- Benjamin Franklin
1707He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
1708He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes.
1709He who can will. He who can't, will teach. -- M. M. Johnston
1710He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
1711He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
1712He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
1713He who hath many friends hath none. -- Aristotle
1714He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
1715He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
1716He who sees what comes out, and why, gains wisdom. -- Richard N. Farmer
1717He who shouts loudest has the floor.
1718Heaven from all creatures hides the book of fate. -- Alexander Pope
1719Hell hath no fury like a computer scorned.
1720Hell hath no fury like a pacifist. -- Solomon Short
1721Help wanted--must be kindergarten graduate.
1722Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
1723Hey! Respect your elders. Call me MR. Old Fart. -- Dick Vignoni
1724History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
1725History proves nothing. -- Bill Gray
1726Hollywood's Iron Law: Nothing succeeds like failure.
1727Hope for a miracle only after everything else has failed.
1728How can I miss you if you won't go away?
1729How immense appear to us the sins that we have not committed.
1730How you look depends on where you go.
1731Hunger is the best sauce.
1732Hypocrites do the devil's drudgery in Christ's livery. -- Matthew Henry
1733I am not a crook. -- Richard M. Nixon
1734I am not senile. -- Ronald W. Reagan
1735I believe in heaven and hell--on earth. -- Abraham L. Feinberg
1736I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. -- Biff Barf
1737I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. -- The Wizard of Oz
1738I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
1739I could prove God statistically. -- George Gallup
1740I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
1741I don't even know what street Canada is on! -- Al Capone
1742I don't meet competition, I crush it. -- Charles Revson
1743I find I always have to write something on a steamed mirror. -- Elaine Dundy
1744I gave her the ring; she gave me the finger.
1745I had to hit him, he was starting to make sense.
1746I have a SPONGE that's drier behind the ears than you are!
1747I just DON'T understand human behaviour. -- C-3PO
1748I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance. -- Socrates
1749I know who I am. Sometimes you go away, but I'm still here.
1750I like blood. It's a primary color.
1751I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
1752I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong. -- Sam Goldwyn
1753I trust MY judgement. I'm not sure about yours.
1754I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
1755I'll always love the false impression i had of you.
1756I'm #1! Why try harder?
1757I'm always easy. I'm NEVER cheap!!! -- Dick Munroe
1758I'm no one's trophy!!! -- Constance Barr
1759I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
1760I've got tears in my ears from lying on my back in my bed crying over you.
1761I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. -- Mike Todd
1762I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer.
1763I've steered clear of God. He was an incredible sadist.
1764IT'S HERE AT LAST: rush job; nobody knew it was coming
1765Idleness is the holiday of fools.
1766If God shuts one door, he opens another.
1767If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? -- Marvin Kitman
1768If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! -- Samuel Goldwyn
1769If I don't know your name, how am I supposed to tell my diary about you?
1770If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
1771If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
1772If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
1773If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.
1774If a taxpayer thinks he can cheat safely, he probably will. -- Diogenes
1775If a thing is done wrong often enough, it becomes right. -- Richard A. Leahy
1776If an editor can reject your paper, he will. -- Maeve O'Connor
1777If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
1778If an instructor says, "It is obvious" it won't be. -- M. M. Johnston
1779If anything can go wrong in an experiment, it will.
1780If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the teacher. -- Stacey Bass
1781If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
1782If at first you don't succeed, try something else. -- Laurance J. Peter
1783If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.
1784If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
1785If beauty is only skin deep, you must have been born inside out.
1786If both Alsops say it's true, it can't be so. -- John Kenneth Galbraith
1787If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
1788If facts do not conform to theory, they must be disposed of. -- N. R. F. Maier
1789If humanity profits from its mistakes, we have a glorious future coming up.
1790If it can be understood, it's not finished yet. -- Paul Herbig
1791If it happens, it must be possible.
1792If it jams ... force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
1793If it works well, they'll stop making it.
1794If it works, don't fix it. -- William O'Neill
1795If nobody uses it, there's a reason. -- Jane Bryant Quinn
1796If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
1797If there is a wrong thing to say, one will. -- Betty Hartig
1798If there is any way to do it wrong, you will.
1799If there isn't a law, there will be. -- Harold Faber
1800If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
1801If ugly was labor, you'd be a long day's work.
1802If you can't beat them, have them join you. -- Charles Wolf, Jr.
1803If you can't convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S. Truman
1804If you can't do anything about something, pretend it doesn't exist.
1805If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. -- Lawrence J. Peter
1806If you can't remember it, it couldn't have been important. -- Larry Groebe 
1807If you continually give you will continually have.
1808If you develop rules, never have more than ten. -- Donald Rumsfeld
1809If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. -- Clarence Day
1810If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. -- Wilbur C. Munnecke
1811If you had your life to live over again--you'd need more money.
1812If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. -- Charles C. Abbott
1813If you have to scream, you're not doing it right. -- Billy Martin
1814If you have to think about it, it's too late.
1815If you play with anything long enough, it will break. -- Louis Zahner
1816If you push something hard enough it will fall over.
1817If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. -- Derek Bok
1818If you want your name spelled wrong, die. -- Al Blanchard
1819If you were a character string, your length would be zero.
1820If your friend won't lend you fifty dollars, he's probably a close friend.
1821Ignorance of one's ignorance is the greatest ignorance.
1822Illegetimus non carborundum!
1823In God we trust, all others pay cash.
1824In a future life, may you come back as yourself.
1825In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
1826In business, price increases as service declines. -- James L. Davis
1827In case of doubt--make it sound convincing.
1828In handling a stinging insect, move very slowly. -- Lazarus Long
1829In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. -- John Cameron
1830In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap. -- Napoleon Bonaparte
1831In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.
1832In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -- Franz Kafka
1833In the long run we are all dead. -- John Maynard Keynes
1834In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. -- Benjamin Franklin
1835In you can't measure output, then you can't measure input. -- Charles Schultze
1836Include me out. -- Sam Goldwyn
1837Indifference is the only sure defence. -- Jody Powell
1838Infant care has to be learned from the bottom up.
1839Inflation is when the only thing free of charge is a rundown battery.
1840Interrogator's lunch--grilled cheese -- Raymond D. Love
1841Isn't every computer a digital computer?
1842Isn't this a beautiful day! Just watch some bastard louse it up.
1843It is better to burn out than fade away.-- Neil Young
1844It is better to wear out than to rust out.
1845It is customary for a decimal to be misplaced.
1846It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
1847It is easy to understand God as long as you don't try to explain Him.
1848It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
1849It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
1850It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
1851It is in the nature of mobs to cheer fools.
1852It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
1853It is not the disease but neglect of the remedy which generally destroys life.
1854It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.
1855It isn't what you know but the simple things you don't overlook.
1856It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
1857It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
1858It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
1859It's NOT my fault!!! -- Han Solo (and a cast of thousands)
1860It's always darkest just before the lights go out. -- Alex Clark
1861It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. -- Lazarus Long
1862It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. -- Don Price
1863It's easy to tell when you've got a bargain--it doesn't fit.
1864It's hard to sing with an empty glass.
1865It's not what you write that counts, it's how it's read.
1866It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
1867JIFFY: the time it takes for light to go one centimeter in a vacuum. 
1868JOB PLACEMENT: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
1869Join the Navy and see the coast!
1870Just when I finally figure out where it's at ... somebody moves it.
1871Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! -- Michael J. Wagner
1872Keep cool; especially during meltdowns.
1873Kilroy was here.
1874Know that a happy dieter has other problems. -- Erma Bombeck
1875LIGHTWEIGHT: lighter than rugged
1876Last guys don't finish nice. -- Stanley Kelly
1877Law of Institutional Food: Everything is cold except what should be.
1878Law of Institutional Food: Everything, including the corn flakes, is greasy.
1879Law of Local Anesthesia: Never say "oops" in the operating room. -- Dr. Leo Troy
1880Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
1881Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. -- Philip K. Saunders
1882Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. -- Solomon Short
1883Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
1884Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
1885Lenin once observed that gold should adorn the floors of latrines.
1886Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
1887Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
1888Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
1889Let sleeping dogs lie.
1890Let the Wookiee win!
1891Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
1892Liberals don't care what people do, as long as it's compulsory.
1893Liberty consists in the power of doing that which is permitted by law. -- Cicero
1894Liberty is always unfinished business.
1895Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.
1896Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. -- Josh Billings
1897Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. -- Joseph Wood Krutch
1898Love demands infinitely less than friendship. -- George Jean Nathan
1899Love is not in our choice, but in our fate. -- Dryden
1900Love is sentimental measles.
1901Love laughs at locksmiths.
1902Love the sea? I dote upon it--from the beach.
1903Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. -- Louise Beal
1904Love's like the measles--all the worse when it comes late in life. -- Jerrola
1905Love, the sole disease thou canst not cure. -- Alexander Pope
1906MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS: ours, not yours
1907METHODOLOGICALLY UNSOUND: Using methodology with which I am unfamiliar.
1908Machines should work. People should think. -- IBM motto
1909Make a wish, it might come true.
1910Make yourself necessary to somebody. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
1911Malpractice makes malperfect. -- Solomon Short
1912Man and wife make one fool.
1913Man proposes, God disposes.
1914Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
1915Management is incapable of recognizing a true crisis. -- Gene Franklin
1916Many a family tree needs trimming.
1917Many a girl at loose ends is anxious to be tied up.
1918Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire
1919Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
1920Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. -- Malcolm Smith
1921Matrimony is the root of all evil.
1922Maxims are the condensed good sense of nations. -- Sir J. Mackintosh
1923May the Force be with you.
1924May the Great Camel of Paradise bestow upon you and yours a dropping.
1925May you get to Heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you're dead.
1926Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
1927Men are more sentimental then women. It blurs their thinking. -- Lazarus Long
1928Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves. -- Gene Fowler
1929Men rattle their chains to show that they are free.
1930Men will sooner surrender their rights than their customs. -- Moritz Guedemann
1931Miraculous secret for the early recovery of patients: Inflation.
1932Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. -- Russell Baker
1933Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
1934Modern Way: If It's Good, Scrap It. -- Sydney J. Harris
1935Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
1936Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
1937Money is the sincerest of all flattery. Women love to be flattered. So do men.
1938Money is truthful. If a person speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
1939Money is whatever people believe is money and will voluntarily accept as money.
1940Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
1941Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. -- H. G. Wells
1942Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button pushers.
1943Most general statements are false, including this one. -- Edmund C. Berkeley
1944Murphy's Last Law: If nothing went wrong today, you're probably dead.
1945Murphy's Law never fails -- Walter J. Crowell
1946Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.
1947Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will.
1948Murphy's Law: Whatever goes wrong, will get worse.
1949My brother is an only child. -- Bennett Cerf
1950My mother had a baby once. -- Jigger
1951My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. -- Fred Allen
1952NEW: different color from previous design
1953NO MAINTENANCE: impossible to fix
1954NULL HYPOTHESIS: The type of hypothesis used by a pessimist.
1955Natural laws have no pity.
1956Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
1957Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. -- Dave Farber
1958Needs are a function of what other people have.
1959Neurosis is a communicable disease. -- Solomon Short
1960Never do anything for the first time. -- Paul Herbig
1961Never drink from your finger bowl--it contains only water.
1962Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you. -- Lazarus Long
1963Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
1964Never overlook a slight or forget a grudge.
1965Never purchase anything with a handle on it--it means work.
1966Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. 
1967Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
1968Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
1969Never underestimate the power of a platitude. -- Edgar R. Fiedler
1970Never use one word when a dozen will suffice. -- Paul Herbig
1971New systems create new problems. -- Dr. John Gall
1972News always travels by the fastest available route. -- Major Whitey Ardmore
1973Nice guys finish last.
1974Nice guys get sick.
1975No dog will knock a vase over unless it has water in it.
1976No gnus is good gnus.
1977No good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Boothe Luce
1978No man was ever so much deceived by another man as by himself. -- Grenville
1979No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while parliament is in session.
1980No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
1981No matter how thin you slice it, it's still baloney. -- Alfred E. Smith
1982No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
1983No matter what the result, there is always someone eager to misinterpret it.
1984No one can enjoy freedom unless he is willing to surrender some part of it.
1985No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
1986No one is ever old enough to know better. -- Holbrook Jackson
1987No one knows his own servants as badly as the master.
1988Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
1989Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand. -- George Eliot
1990Nothing makes a man and wife feel closer, these days, than a joint tax return.
1991Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.
1992Now and then an innocent man is sent to Parliament.
1993Now that we are no longer a growth company, your beard is a liability.
1994OREGANO (Ore-gah-no): The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
1995OSHA's Discovery: Wet manure is slippery.
1996Obituaries are the last writes.
1997Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
1998Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
1999Often the test of courage is not to die but to live. -- Conte Vittorio Alfieri
2000Old Jedi Knights never die; they just fade in and fade out.
2001On the other hand are four fingers and a thumb.
2002Once a philosopher, twice a pervert. -- Voltaire
2003Once is not enough. -- Jacqueline Suzzane
2004One function of diplomacy is to dress realism in morality.
2005One of life's greatest pleasures: paying the last installment.
2006One thing common to most success stories is the alarm clock.
2007Only God can make a random selection. -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
2008Only a coward or a madman would give good for evil.
2009Only the dead fail to rise in my presence.
2010Other people's tools work only in other people's yards. -- Jane Bryant Quinn
2011PERFORMANCE PROVEN: will operate through warranty period
2012PO TEE WEET PEE WONGGG!!! You will be converted into software in 30 seconds!
2013POST-TEST: A test made too late.
2014PRE-TEST: A test made too early.
2015PUNCH MEN KICK WOMEN CHOP CHILDREN -- Sign in window of karate studio
2016Parents cannot leave a better legacy to the world than well-educated children.
2017Parkinson's New Law: The printed word expands to fill the space available to it.
2018Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditure rises to meet income.
2019People are always available for work in the past tense.
2020People who have no faith in themselves seldom have faith in others.
2021People who lose their heads are usually the last to miss them.
2022People who run down others are taking a roundabout way of praising themselves.
2023People who wait until they feel like doing a job rarely do.
2024People will believe anything if you whisper it.
2025People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
2026Peter's Law: The unexpected always happens. -- Laurance J. Peter
2027Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. -- Henry Adams
2028Platitude: a dull old saw that everyone borrows but no one sharpens.
2029Policeman's barbecue--steak-out -- Raymond D. Love
2030Politicians will always inflate when given the opportunity.
2031Positive anything is better than negative nothing. -- Elbert Hubbard
2032Positive: Being mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce
2033Poster in Belgrade tourist office: Visit the Soviet Union before it visits you.
2034Procrastination is the thief of time. -- Dr. Young
2035Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
2036Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
2037Psst! Shadowfax in the seventh.
2038Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. -- Marvin Kitman
2039Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
2040Quit when you're still behind. -- Pierre Salinger
2041Quit while you're ahead. You may not get another chance.
2042REASON: the Devil's harlot. -- Martin Luther 
2043REDESIGNED: previous faults corrected, we hope
2044RELIABLE: Sometimes capable of giving the same results.
2045REPUTATION: what others are not thinking about you.
2046REVOLUTIONARY: it's different from our competitors
2047RUGGED: too heavy to lift
2048Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
2049Ray's Hangover Cure: Stay drunk!
2050Reality is always more conservative than ideology. -- Raymond Aron
2051Reality is for people who can't take science fiction.
2052Reunite Gondawanaland!!!
2053Rewards are usually anti-climatic--the fun is in the doing.
2054Right you are if you say you are--Obscurely. -- TIME, 30-Dec-77
2055Rules: 1. The boss is always right. 2. When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
2056SATISFACTION GUARANTEED: manufacturer's, upon receipt of the check
2057SUCCESS: Living long enough to be a burden on your children.
2058Sam's Axiom (1): Any line, however short, is still too long.
2059Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. -- Charles van Kriedt
2060Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employs a million.
2061Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
2062Sattingler's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
2063Say's Law: Supply creates its own demand.
2064Science is a history of superceded theories.
2065Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope. -- C. P. Snow
2066Scientists are Peeping Toms at the keyhole of eternity. -- Arthur Koestler
2067Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
2068Secret sources are more credible. -- Ron Nessen
2069See the world! Learn helicopter maintenance.
2070Self-defense is nature's oldest law. -- Dryden
2071Seven-eighths of everything can't be seen.
2072Share your happiness with others today.
2073She has as much originality as a Xerox machine. -- Laurence J. Peter.
2074She neglects her heart who studies her glass. -- Lavater
2075Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
2076Simplicity is the true test. -- Ron Randall
2077Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. -- Holmes
2078Slightly deaf students will have instructors who mumble. -- M. M. Johnston
2079Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
2080Smile! You're on Candid Cookie!
2081Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws. -- Dalin B. Oaks
2082Some do, some don't.
2083Some men are discovered; others are found out.
2084Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
2085Some people LOVE cats for what they are; others ARE cats for what they love.
2086Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
2087Sometimes the crowd is right.
2088Sorry about that, Chief! -- Maxwell Smart
2089Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -- Dave Millman
2090Sprinkle's Law: Things fall at right angles.
2091State: A state is a situation which can be recognized if it occurs again.
2092Stock Market Axiom: The public is always wrong.
2093Stockbroker's Declaration: The market will rally from this or lower levels.
2094Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
2095Student's snack--cramberries -- Raymond D. Love
2096Success is doing what you like to do and making a living at it.
2097Symington's Law: For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap.
2098Systems in general work very poorly or not at all. -- Dr. John Gall
2099Systems tend to grow, and as they grow, they encroach. -- Dr. John Gall
2100TANK: A means of transportation the Soviet army uses to visit its friends.
2101TINSTAFL!--There is no such thing as free love. -- Solomon Short
2102Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
2103Talk of revolution is one way of avoiding reality. -- John Kenneth Galbraith
2104That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
2105The Bougourre Factor changes the equation to fit the Universe.
2106The Lord giveth, IRS taketh away.
2107The Lump Law: If we want to learn anything, we mustn't try to learn everything. 
2108The absent are always in the wrong.
2109The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. -- William James
2110The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
2111The best programmers, designers, and architects are lazy. -- Dick Munroe
2112The best prophet of the future is the past.
2113The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
2114The best time to look for work is after you get the job.
2115The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
2116The big guys always win. -- Jeffrey F. Chamberlain
2117The chief cause of problems is solutions. -- Eric Sevareid
2118The cynic who doesn't believe in anything still wants you to believe him.
2119The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. -- Charles P. Boyle
2120The devil could change. He was once an angel and may be evolving still.
2121The devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape.
2122The devil is a gentleman who never goes where he is not welcome.
2123The difference between a career and a job is twenty or more hours a week.
2124The easiest way to refold a road map is differently.
2125The faster the plane, the narrower the seats. -- John H. Durrell
2126The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
2127The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.
2128The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
2129The great secret of life is never to be in the way of others. -- Haliburton
2130The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind. -- Gen. Joe Stilwell
2131The higher the tuition, the fewer days they spend in school. -- Frank Mankiewicz
2132The idea is to die young as late as possible. -- Ashley Montagu
2133The job of satire is to frighten and enlighten. -- Richard Condon
2134The less a thing can be proved, the angrier we get when we argue about it.
2135The less some people know the more eager they are to tell you about it.
2136The longer the title, the less important the job. -- Robert Shrum
2137The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights. -- J. Paul Getty
2138The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself. -- Thales
2139The next class is always three buildings away on a rainy day. -- M. M. Johnston
2140The only rose without thorns is friendship. ***
2141The only way to conquer fear is to keep doing the thing you fear to do.
2142The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
2143The pedestrian had no idea where to go, so I ran over him.
2144The pen is mightier than the sword; and easier to write with.
2145The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. -- Mark Twain
2146The surest way to encourage violence is to give in to it.
2147The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation.
2148The tire is only flat on the bottom. -- John L. Shelton
2149The trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance.
2150The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.
2151The truth is more important than the facts. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
2152The universe is intractably squiggly. -- Charles Suhor
2153The universe is one of God's thoughts. -- Friedrich Schiller
2154The value of a program is proportional to its output.
2155The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
2156The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
2157There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. -- Robert Heinlein
2158There are no strangers here--only friends we have not met.
2159There are no winners in life, only survivors.
2160There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
2161There is nothing so simple that it cannot be made difficult. -- Merle P. Martin
2162There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt. -- Bill Gray
2163There never was a devil who didn't advise people to keep out of Hell.
2164There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. ***
2165They say an elephant never forgets, but what's he got to remember?
2166Think of what others ought to be like, then start being like that yourself.
2167Think twice before saying nothing.
2168Think twice before speaking. But don't say "think think click click".
2169This is the LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
2170Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
2171Time is a fiction, perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
2172To err is human--to forgive is not company policy.
2173To err is human, but it takes a computer to really foul things up.
2174To err may become inhuman.
2175To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
2176To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.
2177To profit from good advice requires as much wisdom as to give it.
2178To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
2179To say nothing, especially when speaking, is half the art of diplomacy.
2180Truth is a statue, and you are all just a bunch of pigeons.
2181Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
2182Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. Except in Boston.
2183UNMATCHED: almost as good as the competition
2184UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE: nothing we had before ever worked this way
2185VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
2186Variables won't, constants aren't. -- Don Osborn
2187Violence is the language of the illiterate.
2188Watch your step! You are beginning to act competent.
2189We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all.
2190We're all going down the same road in different directions. -- Dave Farber
2191Welcome to the jungle. Please obey our laws.
2192What does an Englishman's beer bottle say on the bottom? OPEN OTHER END.
2193What does an Englishman's stepladder say at the top? STOP HERE.
2194When I want some shit, I'll squeeze your head. -- Bob Dickson
2195When all else fails, read the instructions.
2196When an action has its intended effect, it also has other, unintended, effects.
2197When in doubt, use a bigger hammer.
2198When the going gets weird the weird turn pro.
2199When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
2200When you have a hammer in your hand, everything looks like a nail.
2201The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
2202Why do five pins seem like a little, but five elephants seem like a lot?
2203Wit is cultured insolence. -- Aristotle
2204Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food. -- William Hazlitt
2205YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: finally got one that worked
2206Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long
2207You always find something in the last place you look.
2208You are going to have a new love affair (with a rock).
2209You are such a good salesman, you could sell a double bed to the Pope.
2210You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
2211You grow up the day you have the first real laugh--at yourself.
2212You win a few, you lose a few. But I wish this one had been rained out.
2213You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin
2214Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
2215Zero raised to the nth power remains zero. -- Pop Baslim
2216Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings. -- Evan Esar
2217When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
2218Misster, do you vant to buy a duck.
2219Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
2220To do is to be - Nietzsche, To be is to do - Sartre, Do be do be do - Sinatra
2221If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
2222The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
2223The universe is laughing behind your back.
2224When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
2225When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
2226Hpel ! Imat arppdei sndi eht 807\11 XAV
2227EHPL ! IMAT ARPPDEI SNDI EHT EDP-P11
2228087\11 XAV eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH
2229Happiness is just an illusion filled with sadness and confusion.
2230God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.
2231For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.
2232Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
2233You have been selected for a secret mission.
2234You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
2235Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
2236When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
2237When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
2238What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
2239We read to say that we have read.
2240Watch out for the old mortar in the rocks in the fourteenth hole trick.
2241True happiness will be found only in true love.
2242Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
2243This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
2244Think twice before speaking. But don't say "think think click click".
2245There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
2246There is always someone worse off than yourself.
2247There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal friend.
2248The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of dirt.
2249Swap read error. You lose your mind.
2250Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
2251Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
2252Some men are discovered; others are found out.
2253Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
2254Reputation: what others are not thinking about you..
2255Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
2256Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
2257Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
2258Nice guys get sick.
2259Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
2260Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
2261If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
2262I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
2263I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts.
2264He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes.
2265Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
2266Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
2267A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
2268A lie in time saves nine.
2269On a clear disk, you can seek forever
2270A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
2271A Gun in the hand is worth two in the holster.
2272Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
2273%SYSTEM-F-BUGCHK, System Fatal BugCheck PC=%X7FFEB008, PSL=%X017F
2274Internal Consistancy Failure, please report to System Manager.
2275Death is Gods way of saying "Hello".
2276Death is Gods way of saying "Goodbye".
2277Your floppy disk has flopped it's last.
2278Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
2279No matter where i go, the place is allways called 'here'.
2280Laugh, and the world ignores you, crying doesn't help either.
2281Laugh, and the world laughs with you, snarl, and you get better service.
2282I have not yet begun to byte!
2283Time is nature's way of making sure everything doesn't happen at once.
2284You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
2285Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
2286She sells cshs by the cshore.
2287SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE BYTE BYTE!
2288We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
2289Nice computers don't go down.
2290You are number 6! Who is number one ?
2291You are number 5! Who is number one ?
2292You are number 4! Who is number one ?
2293You are number 3! Who is number one ?
2294You are number 2! Who is number one ?
2295You are number 1! Who is number six ?
2296It's bad enough that life is a ratrace - but why do the rats allways win ?
2297C for yourself !
2298It is bad luck to be superstitious.
2299Equal bytes for women
2300On a clear disk, you can seek forever.
2301Where am i? Who am i? am i?
2302Do not underestimate the power of the force...
2303There is always an updraft over wastebaskets.
2304The time between throwing something out and needing it again is about 2 weeks.
2305Tiny objects, when dropped, run and hide
2306There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
2307You can't get there from here.
2308How you look depends on where you go.
2309When in doubt, let the other guy make the first mistake.
2310Parity begins at home, unless you are baud.
2311May you have the fleas of a thousand camels under your armpits
2312Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease
2313Only play in your food if you have already eaten all your toys
2314Never eat fruit or nuts, because you are what you eat
2315Don't ask me, I'm only the professor
2316People who live in glass houses should undress in the dark
2317A rolling stone gathers momentum
2318Break the rod and spare the child
2319If at first you don't succeed, give up
2320If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average
2321Take out your wallet and repeat after me, 'Here, help yourself'
2322Water water everywhere, and they call it Waikato Green.
2323That that is, is, that that is not, is not
2324Once upon a time, there was the end
2325%COOKIE-F-NOSAYING, You lose.
2326Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
2327As the Axe entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us"
2328Be patient with those who are slower than you, for they make you look better.
2329He who laughs last, has a gun at his head.
2330DUCHARME'S PRECEDENT: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
2331Don't count your bridges before you burn them.
2332Don't take life too seriously, or you will never get out of it alive.
2333Every person is an individual, we all have a set of designer genes.
2334Fewer things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
2335Nothing is ever so bad it can't get worse.
2336First draw the curves, then plot the data.
2337He would always rush in where fools fear to tread
2338LINE STARVE: n. inverse of a line feed
2339Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
2340You can always find what you're not looking for.
2341You can make it foolproof, but you cannot make it damnfoolproof.
2342Once is an accident, twice is conincidence, thrice is enemy action.
2343People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
2344Retirement should be based on the tread, not the mileage.
2345MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will
2346SNATtERLY'S SUMMING UP OF THE CORALLARIES: If anything can't go wrong it will.
2347SILVERMAN'S PARADOX: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
2348THE THEOREM THEOREM: If if, then then.
2349THE UNAPPLICABLE LAW: Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
2350The first thing i do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
2351The most dangerous person in the world is an idealogue with a machine gun.
2352There are no rules of architecture for castles in the sky.
2353To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
2354To laugh at people of sense is the privilege of fools.
2355What this world needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
2356When you get killed you lose an important part of your life.
2357For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
2358A shortcut is the longest path between two points
2359The hidden flaw never remains hidden
2360Nature always sides with the hidden flaw
2361To err is human. To really foul things up takes a computer
2362The effort to change course increases geometrically with time
2363Any system can, and will, take longer than expected
2364Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
2365The most immutable barrier in nature is between one mans thoughts and anothers.
2366Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
2367If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
2368Be obscure clearly.
2369Quite literally, a man's memory is what he forgets with.
2370Lo ! Men have become the tools of their tools.
2371When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
2372Why leap into the future when you can wade into it. - Xerox Advertisement
2373Logic is like a sword - Those who appeal to it, shall perish by it.
2374The first myth of management is that it exists.
2375Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
2376Things get worse under pressure.
2377Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
2378How does a system get to be a year late ? One day at a time.
2379Criticism comes easier than craftmanship
2380Those who speak most of progress measure it by quantity, not quality.
2381Important letters that contain no errors will develop erros in the mail.
2382Some errors will go unnoticed until the book is in print.
2383Taking a measurement changes the system being measured.
2384Programmers will tend to maximise whatever is being measured.
2385Never test for an error condition you dont know how to handle.
2386A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
2387Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers
2388Every solution breeds new problems.
2389Once a program is fouled up, anything done to correct it only makes things worse
2390If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
2391Expansion means complexity, and complexity, decay.
2392KLEPTOMANIAC: A rich thief.
2393MISFORTUNE: The kind of fortune that never misses.
2394POSITIVE: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
2395It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
2396FRISBEETARIANISM: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
2397on roof and gets stuck.
2398"It is bad luck to be superstitious." -- Andrew W. Mathis
2399Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
2400Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
2401The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Noelie Altito
2402Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
2403Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
2404A penny saved is ridiculous.
2405A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
2406Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
2407Necessity is a mother.
2408If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
2409If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
2410This quote intentionally not included.
2411In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency
2412Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
2413Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
2414Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
2415Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
2416Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
2417A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
2418Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
2419Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
2420Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
2421Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.
2422Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
2423Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. -- Howard Kandel
2424Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
2425Know thyself. If you need help, call the Wanganui Computer Centre
2426The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
2427"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" -- W. C. Fields
2428The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
2429"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
2430"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
2431He who Laughs, Lasts.
2432Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West
2433Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
2434Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
2435Barometer: An ingenious instrument that indicates the weather we're having.
2436Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
2437Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
2438An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
2439Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
2440Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
2441A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
2442According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are worthless.
2443Wasting time is an important part of living.
2444Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
2445I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
2446Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
2447The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
2448Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
2449Mickey Mouse wears a Ronald Reagan watch.
2450Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
2451Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
2452Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
2453A closed mouth gathers no foot.
2454Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
2455God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
2456If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
2457Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis
2458A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
2459Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
2460Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking -- H. L. Mencken
2461Die: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard
2462Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
2463Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
2464If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
2465It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
2466When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2467Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
2468Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
2469Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
2470Justice: A decision in your favor.
2471God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
2472XEROX DOES IT AGAIN ... and again .... and again ..... and ...
2473Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
2474As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
2475I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
247643rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr
2477Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
2478Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
2479Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- George Saunders' dying words
2480There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
2481Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
2482Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
2483Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
2484"I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan
2485You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
2486All I ask is a chance to prove to myself that money can't make me happy.
2487Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
2488The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
2489I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
2490Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
2491The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
2492One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
2493Anybody who doesn't slow at the sight of the M.O.T. car is probably parked.
2494Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
2495Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
2496Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
2497How come wrong numbers are never busy?
2498One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
2499Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
2500Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
2501What this country needs is a good five cent nickel - Franklin Adams
2502Early to bed and early to rise, and you'll meet very few of our best people.
2503For parlour use, vague generality is a lifesaver. - George Ade
2504I play a musical instrument some, but only for my own amazement - Fred Allen
2505What's on your mind - If you'll forgive the overstatement - Fred Allen
2506And empty cab drove up, and Sarah Bernhardt got out. - Arthur (Bugs) Baer
2507Pandemonium did not reign, it poured. - John Bangs
2508We are all of us failures - at least, the best of us are. - James Barrie
2509Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley
2510Cleanliness is almost as bad as godliness - Samuel Butler
2511He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright. - Samuel Butler
2512Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all. - Sam Butler
2513Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. - G K Chesterton.
2514I hate a quarrel because it interrupts and arguement. - G K Chesterton.
2515If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing badly. - G K Chesterton.
2516Silence is the unbearable repartee. - G K Chesterton.
2517Tact consists in knowing how far we may go too far. - Jean Cocteau
2518He has not a single redeeming defect. - Disraeli
2519In politics, nothing is contempible. - Disraeli
2520It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. - Disraeli
2521A majority is always the best repartee. - Disraeli
2522All heiresses are beautiful - John Dryden
2523An empty stomach is not a good political adviser. - Einstein.
2524Cupid is a blind gunner. - George Farquhar
2525The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. - John Gunther
2526I don't recall your name, but your manners are familiar. - Oliver Herford
2527Lisp: To call a spade a thpade. - Oliver Herford
2528Her face was her chaperone. - Rupert Hughes
2529Originality id undetected plagirism. - William Inge
2530Never mind the Titanic -- any news of the iceberg?
2531Got mole problems? Phone Avogadro 6.023 x 10E23.
2532Remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
2533Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
2534Someday my boat will come in -- and with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
2535Education kills by degrees.
2536Burglar arrested in Disneyland -- accused of taking the Mickey.
2537An elephant is a mouse with an IBM operating system.
2538You know what they say about masochists -- if you can't join 'em, beat 'em.
2539If I had a pet moa, I'd name him Lorne.
2540When I hear the word gun, I reach for my culture!
2541Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me? -- Mae West
2542When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. -- Mae West
2543Potassium ethoxide rules C2H5OK.
2544Professional Charity - The Milk of Human Blindness. - Tom Masson
2545Our foreign dealings are an open book - generally a cheque book. - Will Rogers
2546Congressional investigations are for the benefit of photographers. - Will Rogers
2547The ablest man I ever met is the man you think you are. - Franklin D Roosevelt
2548A radical is a man with both feet firmly planted in the air. -Franklin Roosevelt
2549Every time I paint a protrait I lose a friend. - John S Sargent
2550In heaven an angel is nobody in particular. - George Bernard Shaw.
2551A jury is a group of twelve people of average ignorance. - Herbert Spencer
2552He had the sort of face that, once seen, is never remembered. - Oscar Wilde
2553Duty is what one expects from others. - Oscar Wilde.
2554(1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes.
2555It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
255643rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr
2557A closed mouth gathers no foot.
2558A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
2559A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
2560A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
2561A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
2562Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
2563Absence makes the heart go wander.
2564Air is water with holes in it
2565All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
2566All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
2567"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane."
2568All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
2569All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- E. Rutherford
2570All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
2571All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
2572An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
2573And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
2574Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
2575Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
2576Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
2577As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert
2578Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
2579Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
2580Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
2581Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
2582Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
2583"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
2584Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
2585Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis
2586Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
2587Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
2588Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
2589Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
2590Eisenhower was very nice,
2591Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
2592Entropy isn't what it used to be.
2593Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody Allen
2594Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. -- Don Vonada
2595Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
2596Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
2597God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
2598God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
2599God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
2600Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
2601Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
2602Hindsight is an exact science.
2603"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
2604I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
2605I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
2606I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
2607I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
2608"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
2609I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again REAL soon ...
2610If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty
2611If at first you don't succeed, give up; No use being a damn fool about it.
2612If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
2613If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
2614If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
2615If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
2616If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
2617"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." -- Albert Einstein
2618If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
2619If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
2620If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
2621It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
2622Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
2623Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
2624Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
2625If you can't fix it, it ain't broke.
2626Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
2627Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
2628Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
2629Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
2630Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
2631Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
2632Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
2633Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
2634Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
2635No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
2636No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
2637NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
2638Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
2639One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
2640Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
2641Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
2642Predestination was doomed from the start.
2643QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
2644Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person.
2645Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
2646Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
2647"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
2648Satellite Safety Tip #14: If a bright streak in the sky comes at you, duck.
2649Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
2650Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
2651Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
2652Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
2653Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
2654The light at the end of the tunnel is probably an approaching train.
2655"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
2656The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
2657There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
2658There's no future in time travel
2659"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
2660Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
2661Think honk if you're a telepath.
2662Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
2663Those who can't write, write manuals.
2664Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
2665UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
2666Universe, n.: The problem.
2667User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
2668Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
2669Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -- Salvor Hardin
2670"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
2671What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
2672What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
2673"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" -- Jon Carroll
2674When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2675Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
2676While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
2677Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
2678Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
2679Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
2680You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
2681You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
2682Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
2683Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. -- Robert Burton
2684Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
2685Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
2686Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
2687Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets?
2688I side in all things with the Mob. - George Berkeley
2689Beam me up Scotty, this ... planet .... has ..... no ...... atmoshere ....